Why He Pulls Away

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Daniel JohnsonWritten by: Daniel Johnson 

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In relationships, men can often act distant. This can leave women wondering why he pulls away. Women will often assume the worst in this case as women are known to worry. However he has his reasons why he pulls away so it’s best not to assume that the relationship is going downhill. There are many reasons to consider when a man will act emotionally distant before assuming it is because of anything you’ve done or that the relationship is falling apart. Here are 9 reasons why he pulls away to consider before assuming the worst.  



  1.      He’s adapting to the relationship  

When men first get into a relationship, even if it’s not their first one, they may need time to adapt to being in a relationship. Men can get used to doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants from his bachelor days. This kind of mentality can get stuck in their minds. Men like to be in control of their lives, and aren’t used to doing things that his partner wants him to do.  


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Not to worry though, why he pulls away isn’t a sign that he doesn’t want to be with his partner in the relationship, he just wants some time to behave like a bachelor again. After giving him some time, he should return back to the relationship because he knows his behavior isn’t healthy for the relationship. 



On this note, men can often abuse their chance to act like a bachelor in a relationship if they see an opportunity to do so. If he is with a woman who lets him, he can take advantage of this and behave too much like a bachelor too frequently and not attend to the needs of the relationship. There needs to be clear communication that this kind of behavior is only damaging the relationship, and he can’t keep it up for long.  




2.      The dating cycle


The typical dating cycle goes like this. When a man first starts dating someone new and the relationship is exciting, he will go above and beyond to try and impress her. Through masked manthe time he spends with her, his thinking about her, and the amount of money he will spend on dates and gifts. After a while when infatuation fades, he has to come back to reality and put effort and work into an actual relationship. At this point men can pull away from a relationship for a couple of reasons.  


The first reason is that he is tired of trying to impress the one he likes and needs a break.  


The second reason is that he can be afraid that he has to keep up this behavior in order to not let her down and disappoint her.  


A typical pattern in dating takes place leaving women wondering why he pulls away as he starts acting distant. At this point men can break up with women and leave them wonder why, when everything was going so great. 


Men can often over exert themselves in a relationship destructive manner , not understanding that his own behavior can sabotage his relationships. To help relationships out a woman can intervene and; 1) let him know that all the things he does to impress her isn’t necessary, and that she is fine with just a night in and a movie (low maintenance dates). 2) Or she can take charge of a couple of dates, taking responsibility of the planning and effort that goes into the date. Romance works both ways. 


The opposite can also be true. The early phase of your relationship is over and you`re acting more normal. It`s possible that he believes you`ve changed and he doesn`t know what to do or how to act. He wants to re-evaluate the situation and re-establish things on how to respond. This shift is normal in getting to know each other but can be mistaken as  him pulling away.




couple on bench3.       The intimacy cycle for men



The intimacy cycle for men is different than women and women need to understand this for their relationships to be successful. This is often why he pulls away in a relationship. Women have a natural ability to give and receive love in vast amounts. Sharing their feelings and listening are things women use to bring intimacy and depth to relationships, not necessarily to find answers.    


Men by nature are different. Men can’t give and receive love without taking breaks away for themselves. Men need to maintain their individuality while being in a relationship. Why he pulls away is to distance himself to find rest and strength for a season. Then when he comes back he can feel refreshed and strengthened to love again. To men this is a normal cycle, and he'll assume that women understand this, not knowing that it may hurt them. 


Without understanding the intimacy cycle of men, women are often hurt by their actions, believing that his distancing is a sign that he does not love her. However, it is normal for men to cycle back and forth from being close to his partner, to taking periods of time apart from her. The best thing to do as a woman in this instance is to let him have time alone. If a woman tries to connect with him in this time, it resets his clock, making him need more time alone. 




  4.      He believes that you don't want him to be vulnerable


Sharing their feelings is something that men feel too vulnerable to do. It’s seen as a sign of weakness and they are not used to it like women are. Throughout his life he has been taught that women like strong and dependable men, so he may believe that his vulnerability is something that can make you less attracted to him.  


It’s important to make sure he knows that vulnerability is something desirable in a relationship as men don’t actually know this . Most men have been taught that women desire a strong and capable man, and this flies in the face against being open and vulnerable. Because he believes this, he will not open up and is why he pulls away. This is how men think subconsciously as they don't understand that vulnerability is desireable.




  5.      They want to fix things by themselves 


Men need to try and solve things by themselves. This is often seen when they never stop and ask for directions. The challenge is like a hunt to them, this is why he pulls away. Men will immediately try and solve a problem by themselves without getting the advice of others. This includes communicating and sharing feelings. Men will subconsciously compare their ability to solve problems by themselves to their manhood and identity. 


Sharing feelings and thoughts are done only after answers are found so they don’t come off as incompetent. They don’t understand that when women want to talk they are more interested in intimacy rather than the answers.   




  6.      He’s trying to protect you 


Sometimes why he pulls away is because he is actually trying to protect his loved ones. If a man is going through problems, he will pull away and not communicate because he is trying to protect the people he loves from the problems he’s facing.  


Men believe that by sharing and communicating their feelings and troubles with other people, they are loading them down with their burdens. In an effort to shelter his loved ones from the problems he is facing, the stress he feels, or any negative feelings he is experiencing, he will subconsciously never express himself to the ones he loves. 




7.      Men aren’t multitaskers 


Is he preoccupied by work or family matters? This can be another reason why he pulls away. Women are great at multitasking, men are not. Men tend to focus on one or two issues at a time. From the outside it may seem as if he's distant, but in his world he isn`t aware or how far he's floated off. If there is something on his mind distracting him, expecting him to be able to just put the issue at rest can be unreasonable. 


Men are not the multitaskers women are and if one problem from work, family, or another area of life is troubling him, he will shut down the other areas of his life mentally and focus on that one problem. Understanding the way his mind works and not getting offended can stop potential arguments. Wait for him to relax and not think about the other area as that would be a better time to talk about intimacy.   




8.      He’s not as emotionally stable as he comes off 


Many men aren’t as strong and emotionally stable as they seem to appear. Often because they are unexpressive, they can appear to be strong and this can be taken for granted.  


Sometimes why he pulls away is because he may be dealing with baggage from his past. Men handle baggage in an unhealthy manner, as they may repress it for a long period of time, never actually dealing with the issue at hand. So even though you’ve known him for a while, out of the blue, he can pull away from the relationship as dealing with any past issues may finally overwhelm him.  




9.      Men need to be taught to express themselves 


When someone’s life changes with a new relationship, they need to change as well. Men don’t understand this. Throughout their lives guys don’t express themselves and communicate as much as women do. This is the way they are brought up. As a result, men need to be taught how to express themselves. 


Patience is needed in this time, as it is a vulnerable process men are not used to. Women will often try and force their partner into being someone they aren’t used to by opening up, but all good habits take time to develop. Be patient with him, and if he doesn’t want to open up about something, wait for the next opportunity. 




These are the many reasons why he pulls away. Many of the reason have to do with men being who they are and how they deal with problems external to the relationship. With some understanding about men and how they behave in relationships, along with some patience and tact, hopefully you can get him to be more open and intimate in your relationship.




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