Boyfriend Problems

 Another Related Article: How to Not Argue

Amy RosenthalWritten by: Amy Rosenthal

 

woman wondering what men secretly wantMen can be a mystery sometimes. This can make dealing with relationship issues hard to solve. Here are some typical boyfriend problems and some insight into them.

 

Communication

 

He zones out and watches TV when he should be listening to me

 

A common boyfriend problem is one that many men do. They zone out and ignore the world at times. Expressing to him how you feel when he spends more attention on the TV than you is important. Believe it or not but he may not know how his actions make you feel, or be aware of the amount he does this. Many times women will complain how their partner ignores them and spends time elsewhere without expressing why it annoys them. You need to have a sit down with him and communicate not just your 

 

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annoyance, but the reactions of his actions on your feelings. Men aren’t psychic; they need things to be spelled out.

 

 

 

He doesn’t express what’s in his heart/ He doesn’t talk much when talked to

 

For men expressing their feelings can be like teaching a child to ride a bike. This can result in another typical boyfriend problem. It may take some time to teach him, be patient and understanding. Expecting him to be as expressive as you are can be too great a demand. You can help him out by expressing your feelings on a subject first, this can get the ball rolling because you’ve showed vulnerability first and have given him something he can comment on. He may just have nothing to say on the subject, that’s ok. Remember that men like things simple, he may not talk as long as you because he just wants to get to the point of the subject.

 

Spending time together

 

He spends time with his friends instead of me

 

It ok for him to be hanging out with the guys. The problem is when he spends most of his time with the guys rather than you, there needs to be a balance. Express how you expect a day in the week dedicated to you, without the guys. Perhaps a Saturday date night. If he’s serious about you and about the relationship he’ll put the relationship first. I mean after all if you’re looking to get married someday and spend every day together, what’s one day to him (don’t bring that up). It’s possible he walked into this relationship with a different picture in mind of what the relationship would look like and how much time would be spent together. Clearly express what you expected from this relationship when it began. If your pictures don’t match, and you can’t come to a compromise, then maybe you weren’t meant to be together.

 

When we’re together it’s not quality time spent together

 

Another boyfriend problem is when you spend time together and it’s not quality time, such as he zones out or he’s not all there, what’s there to do? Is he tired? Did he just get off work? First off, if he just got off work and the first thing on his mind was to go see you, take note that you’re on his heart. Other than that give him some time to rest and unwind.

 

Many men are just uncreative and passive about things to do. If he lacks the initiative to come up with things to do, be the initiator, come up with ideas of things to do and places to go when he gets home. Or plan ahead and text him your ideas before he gets home. This way he’ll have something to get him out of his blank zone and put his mind on doing something rather than nothing.

 

 

Acting immaturely

 

He behaves immaturely sometimes

 

Let’s face it most guys act this way every now and then. It’s their sense of humor. I’m guessing that the real problem here isn’t his immaturity but that he’s embarrassing you. Now if he’s acting immaturely just in front of the guys, I’d suck it up and accept the fact that that’s how they get their laughs. But if he’s doing it in front of other people where you care about your reputation, it can be an embarrassing boyfriend problem. Explaining to him that he acts immature isn’t going to help because that’s just a part of who he is, and you’re not going to change that. Explaining to him how you found it embarrassing and those people needed to be treated with more class would be more helpful. The idea is not to bash the way he behaves, but to highlight how you and others felt from it.

 

He handles issues that come up immaturely

 

Is he willing to change? People don’t automatically know how to deal with certain issues. Getting advice from other people can be helpful, but whether he accepts the advice and acts on it is the point. It’s okay if he doesn’t know how to handle something the first time; cool off, sit down, and talk about how it could be handled properly. If he handles the matter the same way repeatedly it could be that there may be some underlying issues going on, possibly the way his ex-treated him in the previous relationship, or something that may have happened in his upbringing, be aware of this. If he’s not willing to change, you should ask yourself if you love him enough to put up with the boyfriend problem in the future.

 

 

He’s lazy

 

He doesn’t help out

 

Chores around the house can be a problem between couples. In figuring out if he’s lazy you need to weigh in how much he works. Does he work a normal forty hour week? A common mistake is that people mislabel their partner as lazy if they don’t help out with the chores after a hard day at work. Lazy is when they don't work at all. Be sensitive if he has a stressful or physically demanding job. Another typical situation is where women will usually like things tidy and clean, where men like things practical, they will have a different expectation of what clean is. For example in the bathroom where a woman will want the toothbrushes and shaver put back into the drawer after use because it’s tidy, a man will just leave them there because he’s thinking he going to use it in 12 hours, it’s practical to keep them out, not messy to him.

 

If you’re constantly fighting about the level of cleanliness and no agreement on what’s expected from him can be stamped out, then the next best solution is less mess. Paying careful attention to how the mess is generated can create less mess. For example when dinners cooked, is it necessary to use an underlying dish, 2 forks, and 3 pots per person to make dinner? Try getting away with the bare minimal in order to save on dishes needed to be washed. Getting into the habit of leaving the room the way it was before you came in will mean that chores don’t pile up on you all at once.  

 

Women tend to be givers. A source to the boyfriend problem may be that he doesn't understand what you do when he's not around. You could try not doing his share of the laundry/dishes in order to show him what you do for him. This way he’ll have a better understanding of what’s required from chores around the house.

 

 

He lacks ambition

 

The ambition issue can be tricky and sometimes you may have to accept him for who he is. Character takes time to change. The lack of ambition can only be move through inspiration and vision. He needs to be inspired to do something; he needs to have a vision or a goal in his future. You can try subtly mentioning, “wouldn’t it be nice if we saved up and went on a cruise this summer” in order to inspire him to grab that goal. Perhaps you can create a vision board with pictures of places you want to go and things you want to do. Expecting him to be motivated into something without him having vision of it is unlikely. It’s also possible that he just isn’t as passionate about the same things you are, and trying to get him motivated that way may never happen. Find out what he’s passionate about and try motivating him in that area.

 

 

Arguing

 

Arguing can be a boyfriend problem. It can also be very constructive to a relationship or very destructive to one. It depends on how it's handled. There should be some ground rules you need to agree upon.

 

-don’t bring up hurtful/slanderous/negative words or comments. They are completely irrelevant to the subject at hand and therefore won’t help in any way solve the issue. Such words reflect the speakers own character as opposed to the person being spoken to.

 

-keep on subject. Don’t bring up other issues until the current subject is resolved. Bringing up multiple subjects without resolving the first one brought up just results in fighting. It makes one or both people feel unheard, and will lead to a chaos of emotional reaction.

 

-peace should be made before you sleep. Leaving an argument open will make it fester into something by far larger than what it originally was. If a conclusion can’t be made before you sleep then at least peace should be made, meaning that you both understand that you don’t agree about the matter, but you both meaningfully and verbally express your love towards each other.

 

-keep the saying in mind, “There’s being right and then there’s being married”. You can be as right as you want and win an argument, but ultimately damage your relationship with someone in the process. If that’s the case you really didn’t win did you. Keep relationship and your love the priority, not pride and being right.

 

Remember that people are going to have different views and that no real relationship can be established without getting into fights. It's normal to face boyfriend problems, what matters is how you handle them.

 

 

Trusting him with the guys

 

Alone with the guys

 

Trusting him with the guys is about the same as trusting him. In this boyfriend problem the first question is do you trust him? Is it your responsibility to always give him the benefit of the doubt? The answer is in his history and character. Does he have an extensive list of girlfriends? Has he had a history of cheating or lying? If so then it’s fair that you don’t trust him. In such a case it should be his responsibility to prove his trust to you, not the other way around. Forgiveness is one thing, but that doesn’t mean it overrules accountability. It’s only fair that in a relationship where intimacy and vulnerability are so abundant that both parties are accountable to each other. If he doesn’t have a history of cheating or lying, then it’s only fair that you give him the benefit of the doubt, and you trust him.   

 

If you have a problem trusting him with the guys, then your boyfriend problem is probably because he either acts one way around you and then another around the guys, or you just don’t like the things his friends get up to. If he acts differently around his friends than you I would talk to him expressing my concerns. He may not even recognize his behavior. It’s only fair to assume that if his friends have an influence and some control on his behavior, they can also lead him to mischief. Is he the leader in the group, or a submissive follower? Depending on how much mischief his friends get up to would be the degree to be concerned. You can tell a man by the company he keeps.

 

If it’s a matter of you just don’t like his friends and they don’t get into too much trouble, or he’s the leader in the group, treat it just as you would whether you trust him or not. Take note that his friends were there before you came along, and that he does love them and they have probably stuck it out with him in the hard times. You need to respect that.

 

 

Hangs out with his ex

 

(See “trusting him with the guys”). Talk with him about it, figure out if he still has feeling for her. Remember that they did break up and he probably doesn’t feel the same way about her than before. Getting on good terms with her could mean someone to talk about your current boyfriend problems with, because she does know his faults.

 

 

He doesn’t say I love you enough

 

You need to know that some people display their love in different ways. Verbally is one way, but look for the ways he communicates his love. Does he touch you? Do things for you? Buy you things? Drive you around? Spend time with you? Understand that verbally saying “I love you” is just one way of communicating it, and it may not be his way. One way of getting him to say “I love you” more is expressing how much it means to you and that it is the primary way you receive love. Just like communicating love, people have different ways they receive love.

 

Saying I love you publicly

 

His lack of public displays of affection stem deeper than his feelings for you. You need to remember that men can find it hard to express themselves. He has a reputation of being tough and not so affectionate around other people and breaking that image can be embarrassing for him. Stepping into a new affectionate image can be awkward because he’s afraid of what others will think of him. Be patient knowing that the underlying issue isn’t his feelings for you but the way he expressed himself throughout life. Get him to start off low-key with a small subtle peck and soft whisper in your ear.

 

 

 

 

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